Forming friendships can be one of the most fulfilling aspects of the school experience. It is not uncommon for some of the friendships we make during our school years to continue long after graduation.
When people think of their oldest friends, the connections made in the classroom or playground often spring to mind.
However, friendships can be as complex and ever-changing as they are rewarding, and this is especially true during the school years. Young people are constantly growing and discovering more about themselves throughout this time, which can lead to shifting friendship dynamics along the way. Trusted adults can help explain this shift in dynamics and provide support in the more challenging times, while always encouraging their children to be a good friend—no matter how or why things might change.
Each friendship is unique and so are the reasons they might change. More often than not, friendships evolve during school as children get older and their interests shift as well. They might take up new activities, which could lead to new connections, or feel like they have more in common on an emotional level with different people. Even something as straightforward as time apart over the summer holidays can bring about changes.
“As children grow their interests change, they are also generally curious to meet new people. Children are also developing and maturing at different stages and so what one friend may still enjoy doing another may not.”Diane Furusho, Haileybury’s Deputy Principal – Student Wellbeing
While these shifts are a part of life, they can feel unfamiliar to children—and can potentially lead to conflicts, misunderstandings or feelings of isolation.
It is understandable for children to feel confused, upset or even angry when they experience changes in their friendship dynamics. While adults have more of a sense that friendships naturally come and go over time, younger people might feel confused and have a more difficult time processing any conflict or tension that might be a part of these changes.
Having the support of a trusted adult can be a vital asset for navigating these feelings.
“Parents can help children understand and cope with changes by encouraging ongoing open conversations about friendships, using their own examples and how they managed tricky situations with friends.”Neringa Smith, Haileybury’s Director of Counselling Services
“Identify emotions by labelling feelings and normalising strong emotions such as hurt. Allow time for those strong emotions to diffuse, before problem solving and taking action in response to a difficult friendship issue.”
Some children find it more difficult than others to form new friendships or maintain existing connections. This can lead to potential shifts in friendships being particularly stressful or unsettling, as a child might feel less confident in their ability to make new connections.
If your child seems to be struggling to make friends, a helpful first step could be encouraging them to engage in activities they enjoy, where they can meet peers with similar interests and practise their social skills. “Structured activities are great to form initial connections, but ongoing opportunities to interact, talk and share is also important to build more meaningful friendships”, says Neringa.
It is also worth considering how your child might be interacting with others and if that is impacting their relationships at all. “Observe the behaviour of your child when playing and mixing with other children. Are they being domineering, not sharing, or too needy?” says Diane. “Speak to their classroom teacher and ask them if they are observing any behaviours that may be impacting on their child making and keeping friends.”
While making friends is a wonderful thing, not all friendship dynamics are beneficial for children. Some can lead to negative feelings like jealousy, exclusion or competition – or develop an unhealthy level of one-sidedness or even co-dependency.
Many of these emotions can feel heightened during periods of change, or over long breaks like school holidays where the day-to-day dynamics are different and the ways young people keep in contact change too. Open communication and a recognition of any feelings of jealousy and exclusion can be great first steps for building resilience. Encourage your child to talk about how they are feeling and why—so together, you can workshop solutions or ways forward.
In our increasingly connected, digital world, social media can trigger feelings of exclusion or jealousy, as young people might see friends hanging out without them or getting closer due to shifting social dynamics. This is why it can be helpful to “limit access to social media and ensure social media is age appropriate”, says Neringa. “Be mindful that social media can lead to social comparison.”
Friendships might change and evolve over time, but we should all consistently strive to be as good a friend as possible. Having a clearer idea for what makes a good friend—and why it is so important—can help children navigate any changing friendship dynamics and feel comfortable that they’re demonstrating empathy, patience, and kindness. Even in moments of conflict or challenging environments.
For school students, it can be easy to get caught up in some of the unimportant aspects of social dynamics, like what might be considered cool or modelling behaviours they have seen in others or on social media. Trusted adults can be helpful role models for the qualities that young people should truly value in their friendships.
You can create a safe environment for children to explore how they can embody the qualities they think make for a good friend—and recognise any unhealthy behaviours as well. Something as straightforward as talking about one of your close friends and why they are special to you can help children to learn what being a good friend really looks like. Lead by example!
A new school year can be both exciting and bring about feelings of anxiety, particularly when it comes to friendships. If your child feels nervous about any potential changes, reassure them that it is normal to feel this way. Encourage them to focus on the positive aspects, such as meeting new classmates or reconnecting with old friends. Remind them that it takes time to adjust to a new school year, and they are not alone in feeling this way.
“Have open conversations around friendships and normalising feeling anxious. Staying connected over the break can help ease anxiety about changes in friendships and make the transition into the start of a new school year easier.”Neringa Smith, Haileybury’s Director of Counselling Services
While any new chapter comes with feelings of uncertainty, they can also be filled with opportunity. A new school year can offer the chance for young people to make new friends, strengthen existing bonds, and develop their social skills. Your child might even use the holiday period to reflect on their interests and social dynamics, so that they can look forward to exploring new interests or joining new clubs when the first term begins. As Diane says, “the start of a new year is always an opportunity to meet new people and to possibly form new friendships. It can be a fresh start”.
Like school itself, every friendship is a journey filled with learning experiences, changes and, potentially, challenges. We can help young people to navigate all of this with confidence, compassion and kindness – and set an example of what it means to be a good friend. By providing support, encouraging open communication and helping them to develop healthy social skills, young people can continue developing meaningful and rewarding friendships, which could potentially last a lifetime.
You can find more information and advice here:
Online program, research-backed | Positive parenting strategies | Triple P
Victoria: parenting & family services | Raising Children Network
In the spirit of reconciliation, Haileybury acknowledges the Traditional Custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.
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